The Dating Drug: My Experience In Quitting Dating Apps for 75 Days
It was late August. I finally met someone who I foresaw going somewhat of a distance with. Our schedules were conflicting, which meant time was precious. On top of that, we were both about to go a few weeks without seeing each other and had one whole evening to make it really count.
At the time, I was feeling unsure with where I was going to take my work next, and in turn, feeling scared and unfulfilled, so I was banking on that evening to help me forget all of my worries.
He arrived at my place at 4pm. We went to paint a wall back to white at my old apartment. We made love. And, by 6:30pm, still laying naked beside him, he told me had to go.
My eyes instantly welled up like a cartoon character.
I had been *L-I-V-I-N-G* for this day. Waiting. Wishing [time away]. To get here. To him. This moment. This evening.
It was then that I realized I wasn’t actually dating; I was using “dating” as a void-filling, dopamine-inducing drug. And, something had to change.
I decided to not go back on dating apps after him as I was going to Burning Man the next week. And, let it be known, even though there were only 7-10 days standing in between that moment and Burning Man, that was a tough decision to make. I actually remember feeing proud of myself. That’s how hooked I was on dating apps, or rather, male attention.
At Burning Man, I had the most fulfilling week (as one does at Burning Man) and was reminded of the abundance of connection that’s available when we just look up from our phones and get into our life.
Upon my return back to Toronto, after soaking in the magic for a good 2 weeks, the idea of going back on dating apps popped in my mind. That’s when I got a “hit” or a “download” as some would say:
“Fall in love with your life a little bit more, first”.
Hmmm. Okay. I was really going to do this. I wasn’t quite sure if I could fully trust that yet, but how I had been dating, and relating to dating apps, clearly wasn’t working.
Around that time, my friend, Autumn Hachey, announced a wellness challenge she was hosting called 75 slow (a play off of the treacherous alternative, 75 hard). Some of the guidelines included things like no refined sugar, no alcohol, workout daily, walk 10k steps/day, and so on.
My past disordered eating self knows better than to play with fire, as alluring as the fantasy of who I could be on the other side of being without sugar and alcohol and working out daily for 75 days was.
Rather than blindly agreeing to all of the guidelines, I asked myself: “What challenge do I actually need right now? What would make me feel so proud of myself after 75 days?”
Almost immediately, it came through:
”Walk 10k steps/day”
I paused to see if anything else was going to come through.
”And, no dating apps”.
Gulp.
For context, I had been on dating apps since I was 18. My Mom was what seemed to be one of the pioneers of divorce. So, in my late scandalous teenage years, when she would sign out of her Plenty Of Fish account on our shared family computer, my curious and already-dopamine-searching self would sign into her “rachified” account to get her fill.
The only time I wasn’t on dating apps was when I was going through depression and when I was in relationships (but, also barely because in the past couple years, I tried on open relationship dynamics, so my ex-partner and I would smash the apps together).
Since I had only ever dated men off dating apps, I formed a belief that I wasn’t capable of meeting men in person; that my “strong personality” would scare men off if they were to meet me in person first. But, if they got to know me through my words and photos first, maybe I’d stand a chance. That, and as a 5’11” woman, I often tower above almost everyone in a social setting, including men. Apps allow me to click a button and only be served up hotties who are of 6” or taller.
In other words, I was scared. Would quitting dating apps mean I would be all alone for the next 75 days? What would I have to look forward to? No sexy date nights? No sex? No fun?
But, I knew this was exactly what I needed, so I committed to going 75 days without dating apps.
How It Started
The first 30-ish days were actually the easiest. I was still flying high from Burning Man and feeling so internally fulfilled. I was doing a bunch of fun shit with girlfriends including LSD journeys, platonic intimacy baths and backyard sauna gatherings. I was going all in on my business and falling in love with it again. I was going out to raves and concerts, where I actually met two dudes in person who asked me out (BYE BYE BELIEF that I can’t meet men in person!). I felt like I cracked the code to thriving as a single woman. Then, November came …
November has always been hard for me. I actually think I dislike it more than February. It gets dark super early here in Toronto, Canada and it’s also the time of year my depression hit, so that always brings up some stuff.
But, thankfully, I had publicly announced and shared this goal of going 75 days without dating apps with my whole community online and my friends and family, so there was no going back in my mind (this is also a good tool for you to use as well – the likelihood of you actually doing something goes from 10% to a whopping 90% when you tell someone about it!)
So, while November was hard, it gave me an opportunity to lean into the hard. If I felt lonely (which, I did a lot), I just felt into my loneliness. If I felt worthless, I just had to felt into my feeling of worthlessness. More often than not, these feelings just want to be felt and acknowledged.
But, what was so enlightening was to see all of the moments and triggers that would come up where, in the path, I would be so quick to hop on the apps and swipe those feelings away.
Whereas, this time, the urge to escape would come up, and I’d be reminded of the commitment I made to myself and sat with those big uncomfortable feelings.
Thank god I had also committed to walking 10k steps/day at the time – that shit is medicine. Many times, I’d be feeling so alone and sad, and then realized I still have about 3000 steps to smash through at 7pm at night. So, I’d go out on these evening walks and instantly be reminded of the whole other world that is happening outside of my mind and my apartment, and almost instantly feel better.
Other than one night where I caved and void-fill texted (okay, sexted) the shit out of an ex, I kept my boundaries and energy really clean with men. I would notice my urge to text a guy from my past, and then I’d pause and ask myself: “What’s the desired outcome here, Rach?”. And, that pause would be enough to make me realize I really just wanted the hit of dopamine and to feel wanted, but I didn’t actually want that person. “Dang, busted”.
To be honest, I busted myself a lot. Us humans are sneaky buggers that will do anything to get a quick fix of what we’re desiring, and dating makes it super easy and socially acceptable to do so, too.
At this moment in time though, I’ve cleaned up SO much that there are literally no stragglers from the past hanging out in my texts or DMs. All of them know where I stand because, funny enough, when you claim your desires, the cute little Universe will serve you some real killer tests like sending an ex lover you loved to a class you’re teaching while he’s on a date with a hot influencer you know – yup, that happened). These are called “Universe tests” or “initiations”. I talked about them in this TikTok here and here.
How It’s Going
I will say, within the last 3 weeks of the challenge, I started to notice a shift for the better. In the past, I was so fixated on finding my person (in hopes that they’ll “save me” from all the things I didn’t want to feel) that I could hardly be fully present on walks, or in social settings because I’d constantly have an eye out for the potential prospects in the room.
Now, I go on walks and go to events and I FORGET that a prospect could even be there. I take myself on dates and truly LOVE being on the date with just myself. I catch glimpses of myself in the mirror and I’ll connect with myself eye-to-eye and say “I love doing life with you, Rachel Molenda” – and, I truly mean it.
My 75 days came and went on Friday December 8th; I say came and went, because by the time the day came, it truly just felt like this was a way of being. Like, “my name is Rachel Molenda and I’m not on dating apps”.
I also want to be clear, there’s nothing inherently wrong with dating apps. What was wrong was how I was relating to them and using them.
The biggest question I’ve been asked, and that I was asking myself even leading up to that day was, “Are you going to go back on?”. And, I don’t have a yes or no answer to that. I’m open to it as an option to meet people again, but what I’m being truly mindful of this time is making sure I feel like I’m in a good spot before going on there to avoid using it like a void-filling drug like I was.
What I do know to be true is this: I am not the woman I was when I set out on this journey. Quitting dating apps for the time that I did was one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself. I had to get really honest with myself and look at what was continuing to come up in dating, which were ultimately results I didn’t want, and remind myself, that we can’t get somewhere new doing the same thing we’ve always done.
At the time of writing this, it has now been almost 5 months – almost 150 days – since I quit dating apps. As a result of doing so, the main things I’ve noticed are:
I actually have discernment now (as in, I won’t just date anyone just because they show interest in me)
My discernment is through the ROOF (as in, it takes so much more, or rather, something and someone really specific to wow me)
I am more clear on what I want
I am so much more okay with being alone (and, actually look forward to my time on my own)
I love myself more than I ever have
My friendships with my sisterhood was deeper, and richer than ever
I’m able to sit with big feelings more without trying to run from them, or using someone to try to save me from them
My intent in sharing all of this is not to suggest that you also have to quit dating apps. But, to use it as an opportunity to reflect on an area of your life where you continue to get the same results that you don’t want, and how you could go about changing that reality by trying something new.
Know that this thing might terrify you, and if it does, then it’s probably the right challenge for you. Remember, we can’t get somewhere new doing the same thing we’ve always done. Dare to do something new. Dare to do the damn thing.
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If you are finding yourself facing the same patterns over and over, creating the same results you don’t want, I invite you to join us for The Well You Challenge (starting Wednesday January 17th, 2024) – a choose-your-own-adventure wellness challenge to implement the unique habits your big, juicy goals require of you. Click here to join the challenge, happening inside The Well.